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Gottman’s research on the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, which predicts divorce from a 20-minute interaction, is a groundbreaking work that has revolutionised how therapists approach relationship counselling. As a client, understanding these concepts can provide valuable insight into your own relationship and help you take steps to improve it. Additionally, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can assist in this process by helping couples build deeper emotional connections.

The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. According to Gottman’s research, these four communication styles are the strongest predictors of divorce. Criticism refers to attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than addressing specific behaviours. Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism or contempt, but it often involves counter-attacks or deflecting blame. Contempt is a more intense form of criticism that involves mockery, sarcasm, or hostile humour. Stonewalling is a withdrawal response where one partner becomes unresponsive or shuts down.

As a client, understanding these communication styles can be a powerful tool in improving your relationship. By identifying when these horsemen appear in your communication with your partner, you can take steps to change the way you communicate. For example, you can focus on specific behaviours that bother you instead of criticising your partner’s character. Similarly, you can work to avoid contemptuous language, which can be deeply damaging to your relationship.

In addition to identifying the horsemen, EFT can help couples build deeper emotional connections. Dr Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT, argues that emotional connection is at the heart of all successful relationships. When couples lose their emotional connection, they may start to feel distant or isolated from one another. EFT helps couples reconnect by fostering a sense of safety and security in the relationship.

One way EFT accomplishes this is by helping couples identify their underlying emotions. Often, the horsemen are a manifestation of deeper emotional issues. For example, criticism may be a way of expressing frustration or sadness, while stonewalling may be a way of protecting oneself from feeling overwhelmed. By identifying and expressing these emotions, couples can begin to build a deeper emotional connection.

Another key aspect of EFT is its focus on attachment styles. Attachment theory suggests that the way we form emotional bonds with others is deeply rooted in our early childhood experiences. By understanding your own attachment style and your partner’s, you can begin to see how your past experiences may be impacting your current relationship. EFT can help couples understand their attachment styles and develop more secure emotional bonds with one another.

In conclusion, Gottman’s research on the 4 horsemen is a valuable tool for understanding the communication patterns that can lead to divorce. As a client, recognising when these patterns arise in your relationship can be a powerful step towards improving it. Additionally, EFT can help couples build deeper emotional connections by fostering a sense of safety and security in the relationship, identifying underlying emotions, and addressing attachment styles. By working with a therapist who is trained in EFT, you and your partner can create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.