The Acceptance Belonging Comfort Safety Interest (ABCS+) model is a useful framework for understanding the core attachment needs that individuals have in close relationships. It highlights five key elements of secure attachment bonds: acceptance, belonging, comfort, safety, and interest. When these needs are met, individuals feel secure, valued, and connected in their relationships. When they are not met, individuals may experience feelings of anxiety, fear, or emotional distance.
The ABCS+ model is useful for couples because it helps them understand each other’s emotional needs and develop a deeper understanding of what is required to create a strong emotional bond. For example:
- Acceptance: When partners feel accepted for who they are, including their flaws and imperfections, they are more likely to feel comfortable being vulnerable and sharing their true selves with their partners. This can help to build trust and intimacy in the relationship.
- Belonging: Feeling a sense of connection and belonging with another person is a fundamental human need. When partners feel that they belong with each other, they are more likely to feel secure and supported in the relationship.
- Comfort: Feeling comforted when we are upset or distressed is an important aspect of feeling emotionally safe in a relationship. When partners are able to provide comfort and support to each other during difficult times, they are better able to weather the challenges that arise in any relationship.
- Safety: Feeling safe and protected in a relationship is a key component of a secure attachment bond. When partners feel that they can rely on each other for support and protection, they are better able to navigate the ups and downs of life together. Safety in the context of attachment needs encompasses emotional safety in addition to physical safety. Emotional safety refers to feeling secure and comfortable enough to express oneself emotionally, without fear of judgement, rejection, or criticism from one’s partner.
- Interest: Feeling that our partner is interested in us and cares about our thoughts and feelings is a vital aspect of feeling emotionally connected in a relationship. This interest can take many forms, including sexual interest. Feeling desired and wanted by one’s partner is an essential part of feeling emotionally connected and can enhance overall relationship satisfaction. Additionally, feeling important to one’s partner can help build a sense of security and attachment. When partners take an interest in each other’s lives, they learn more about what is important to their partner and can be better equipped to provide emotional support and meet their partner’s needs. This can lead to a sense of mutual respect and admiration, which can be a powerful force in building a strong emotional bond.
To create deep connections and build a strong emotional bond, couples need to be Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged (ARE) with each other. This means being emotionally present and available, responding to each other’s needs and emotions in a caring and supportive way, and actively engaging with each other to build a deep and meaningful connection.
In couples therapy, we use the ABCS+ model to help couples clarify their core attachment needs and develop strategies for meeting those needs in their relationships. By working together to build a strong emotional bond based on acceptance, belonging, comfort, safety, and interest, couples can create a deep and lasting connection that can weather the challenges of life together.
Testimonials
"Thanks, Aaron, we could feel the benefits of each couple counselling session, even in our first session. We had done lots of work with different psychologists individually and as a couple prior to our first session, but the work with you feels deeper and different, in a good way. Just by helping us to slow down during the session makes us more aware of our primary emotions."
“Aaron is a truly talented psychotherapist and relationship counsellor who cares deeply for his clients. I recommend his services without hesitation. Thanks for taking our marriage from ‘good’ to ‘amazing’ Aaron, we are forever grateful!”
“My husband and I were very fortunate to see you … You (without a doubt in my mind) saved our marriage. Everything is wonderful currently … Eternally grateful. I truly mean every word. Very grateful to you”
"Aaron was very straight forward and honest. Clear about the approach and consistent in helping us change our patterns. The greatest accomplishment through this counselling process is connecting with my partner on an emotional level."
"I couldn't find the words ... Thank you so much for helping us throughout my family problem and obstacles ... not just our marital problems but more particularly to my son ... you're such a truly blessing to him."
"What we gain through the couple counselling process with Alive Counselling was greater insights into family of origins and the sources of [our] emotional pain. Stronger connection to partner."
“Thank you for the difference you’ve made to the life of our family. We are so blessed to have found you.”
"Aaron helped my partner and I reconnect. Not only with each other but within ourselves. Really listening to each other and not just 'doing the angry, dysfunctional dance'. We received lots of practical tips to manage in times of stress."
"Aaron is very patient and level headed ... What we gain through the couple counselling process with Alive Counselling was better awareness of the emotional cycle and triggers with my partner. What was most helpful about the counselling process was slowing the emotional reaction down to get to a calmer position ."
"The greatest accomplishment through this couple counselling process, was developing emotional vulnerability and being celebrated for that. What I like about Aaron is his excellent construction of a safe environment. Very educational process."
“[My partner] and I are doing well. We continue to use your strategies to slow things down ... We have also recommended you to friends of ours.”
“We used to think the ’honeymoon phase’ is just the early experience of a relationship that will end, and did not realise it is possible to feel the same ‘honeymoon’ experience again. Through the counselling process, we are so excited that we can connect deeply like we did early in our relationship.”
“[What I gain from the counselling process with Alive Counselling] It reminded me that there is a reason for everyone’s behaviour and to be more conscious and empathetic of that.”
“[The most helpful part of the counselling process] Insight to where a lot of my characteristics come from and why. Being reminded of what the basic needs of every human is.”
“[What I like about the way my counsellor works] Was able to bring out a lot of things about myself that I hadn’t realised. I did find counselling helpful and I thank Aaron for his time and advice.”
“[The benefits or changes I noticed in myself] Being able to label emotions and address them in the moment and being more mindful of my partners emotions.”
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