Divorce is a painful and often devastating experience for couples and families. Research by Dr. John Gottman identified four communication patterns that are particularly destructive to relationships, known as the Four Horsemen of Divorce: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. While these behaviours are well-known harbingers of relationship breakdown, their roots often lie in unhealed childhood attachment traumas.
Understanding the Four Horsemen and Their Roots in Childhood Trauma
- Criticism: This involves attacking a partner’s character or personality instead of addressing specific behaviours. For example, instead of saying, “I’m upset you didn’t clean the kitchen,” criticism might sound like, “You never help around the house. You’re so lazy.”
Root in Childhood Trauma: Individuals who experience criticism or rejection from caregivers in childhood may develop hypersensitivity to perceived flaws in others. This trauma can manifest in adulthood as a tendency to criticise partners to preemptively defend against being hurt. - Contempt: This goes beyond criticism to include mockery, sarcasm, and hostile humour. Contempt shows blatant disrespect and can be incredibly damaging to a relationship.
Root in Childhood Trauma: Contempt often stems from a deep-seated sense of worthlessness developed in childhood. Children who were belittled or made to feel inferior may grow up using contempt as a misguided way to regain a sense of control or superiority. - Defensiveness: This involves self-protection through righteous indignation or playing the victim. Defensiveness often escalates conflicts rather than resolving them.
Root in Childhood Trauma: Individuals who face constant blame or criticism in childhood may develop defensiveness as a protective mechanism. They react to any perceived attack by defending themselves, preventing productive communication and resolution. - Stonewalling: This occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and becoming unresponsive. Stonewalling can create a sense of abandonment and emotional distance in a relationship.
Root in Childhood Trauma: Stonewalling can be linked to early experiences of neglect or emotional unavailability from caregivers. To cope, individuals may have learned to shut down emotionally, leading to difficulties in maintaining open and vulnerable communication with partners.
Breaking the Cycle with Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT)
EFCT is a research-based approach to couples therapy that addresses the emotional and relational roots of conflict. By creating a safe and supportive environment, EFCT helps couples heal attachment traumas and develop a more secure and satisfying bond. Here’s how EFCT can address the destructive patterns of the Four Horsemen:
- Creating Emotional Safety: EFCT prioritises creating a secure emotional environment where both partners feel safe to express their fears, needs, and vulnerabilities. This emotional safety is essential for healing attachment traumas and fostering genuine connection.
- Addressing Underlying Emotions: EFCT helps couples identify and articulate the deep-seated emotions driving their destructive behaviours. By understanding the underlying fears and needs, couples can respond to each other with empathy and compassion rather than criticism or contempt.
- Developing New Communication Patterns: Through EFCT, couples learn healthier ways to communicate and resolve conflicts. They practice expressing their needs and concerns without resorting to defensiveness or stonewalling, leading to more productive and supportive interactions.
- Strengthening the Emotional Bond: EFCT focuses on rebuilding the emotional bond between partners. By creating moments of connection and understanding, couples can move past the negative cycles and build a more resilient and secure relationship.
Conclusion
Unhealed childhood attachment traumas can manifest as the Four Horsemen of Divorce, creating destructive cycles in relationships. However, there is hope. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy offers a powerful solution for couples looking to heal past wounds and create a more secure and fulfilling bond. By addressing the root causes of relational distress and fostering emotional safety, EFCT can help couples break free from the patterns of the past and build a brighter future together.
Investing in EFCT can be the key to transforming your relationship, moving beyond temporary fixes, and achieving lasting connection and satisfaction. If you’re ready to heal and strengthen your bond, consider seeking a qualified EFCT therapist to guide you on this transformative journey.
Testimonials
"Thanks, Aaron, we could feel the benefits of each couple counselling session, even in our first session. We had done lots of work with different psychologists individually and as a couple prior to our first session, but the work with you feels deeper and different, in a good way. Just by helping us to slow down during the session makes us more aware of our primary emotions."
“Aaron is a truly talented psychotherapist and relationship counsellor who cares deeply for his clients. I recommend his services without hesitation. Thanks for taking our marriage from ‘good’ to ‘amazing’ Aaron, we are forever grateful!”
“My husband and I were very fortunate to see you … You (without a doubt in my mind) saved our marriage. Everything is wonderful currently … Eternally grateful. I truly mean every word. Very grateful to you”
"Aaron was very straight forward and honest. Clear about the approach and consistent in helping us change our patterns. The greatest accomplishment through this counselling process is connecting with my partner on an emotional level."
"I couldn't find the words ... Thank you so much for helping us throughout my family problem and obstacles ... not just our marital problems but more particularly to my son ... you're such a truly blessing to him."
"What we gain through the couple counselling process with Alive Counselling was greater insights into family of origins and the sources of [our] emotional pain. Stronger connection to partner."
“Thank you for the difference you’ve made to the life of our family. We are so blessed to have found you.”
"Aaron helped my partner and I reconnect. Not only with each other but within ourselves. Really listening to each other and not just 'doing the angry, dysfunctional dance'. We received lots of practical tips to manage in times of stress."
"Aaron is very patient and level headed ... What we gain through the couple counselling process with Alive Counselling was better awareness of the emotional cycle and triggers with my partner. What was most helpful about the counselling process was slowing the emotional reaction down to get to a calmer position ."
"The greatest accomplishment through this couple counselling process, was developing emotional vulnerability and being celebrated for that. What I like about Aaron is his excellent construction of a safe environment. Very educational process."
“[My partner] and I are doing well. We continue to use your strategies to slow things down ... We have also recommended you to friends of ours.”
“We used to think the ’honeymoon phase’ is just the early experience of a relationship that will end, and did not realise it is possible to feel the same ‘honeymoon’ experience again. Through the counselling process, we are so excited that we can connect deeply like we did early in our relationship.”
“[What I gain from the counselling process with Alive Counselling] It reminded me that there is a reason for everyone’s behaviour and to be more conscious and empathetic of that.”
“[The most helpful part of the counselling process] Insight to where a lot of my characteristics come from and why. Being reminded of what the basic needs of every human is.”
“[What I like about the way my counsellor works] Was able to bring out a lot of things about myself that I hadn’t realised. I did find counselling helpful and I thank Aaron for his time and advice.”
“[The benefits or changes I noticed in myself] Being able to label emotions and address them in the moment and being more mindful of my partners emotions.”
